Back in March, a friend gently clued me in to the possibility of another neurodivergence I might be working with/against: ADHD. For various reasons, I didnā€™t seriously pursue that rabbit hole at that time. However, I did mention it to my therapist who was more than happy to discuss and help me with investigating it if I really wanted to.

Whether its image streaming, reading a certain book (many of them, in fact), fasting, etc. - I was a bit sad and depressed last month (June) one day, because it seemed that I could never stick to or finish what I started. Iā€™m not accomplishing what I want in lifeā€¦ I get distractedā€¦

I mentioned that at the end of my therapy appointment a couple weeks ago, and my therapist brought up exploring ADHD. This time I decided to take him up on his offer to take some questionnaires and he ended up just sending them home with me, and I could just send the results (take photos of the pages).

It turned out to be a difficult night, and morning. (See: The Broccoli Sprout video from Uncle Bernie) My score was quite telling. (The questionnaire had the scoring instructions on the final page)

The next day I scheduled an appointment with a psychiatrist (for later this month), to have a more conclusive exam and to potentially talk about treatment options. I also reached out to my ND and scheduled an appointment with her.

  • Started to re-read/listen to Atomic Habits (last time was 5 years ago), it was very reassuring. A lot of my problems seem to be rooted in bad habits, and not understanding how to stick to a new habit.
  • Itā€™s becoming clear though, that Iā€™ve been working with some sort of executive dysfunction since I was a kid (e.g. life-long procrastinator, fun focused).
  • Awareness in itself has been helpful. So I can just notice the pattern, and since I know the pattern, I am motivated to change and be more responsible, etc.
  • Environment is also a big part of thisā€¦moving, over and over (28 times), video games, porn, social media, streaming (Netflix, etc.), constant novelty that the world of digital ā€œentertainmentā€ has immersed us inā€¦along with lack of structure and relatively unlimited flexibility (e.g. work environment)
  • So, Iā€™m trying to build a routine, (fix bed, brief stroll outside, exercise, etc.), and structure.
  • Iā€™m trying to pursue art again. For myself, and because it truly is a way for me to practice storytelling, imagination, etc.
  • Finally (?) making peace with isolation - instead of punishment, instead of abandonment, it can be something else (4th of July was hard, but I made it through)
  • I was told in my previous marriage that my lack of stability was a problem. Well, having SDAM will do that - itā€™s hard to keep moving forward when the goal dissolves and another takes its place. Nevermind the ā€œdeconstructionā€ of everything I knew, and understanding my major Wound. Butā€¦then add the possiblity of ADHD? Being highly motivated one day, and then justā€¦you know. (Also, that person always put the blame on you, so her calling you ā€œunstableā€ was also part of her strategy of not holding herself accountable. So fuck that noise. )

In order to build my Mindā€™s Eye, consistent practice and new habits (of seeing, observing, thinking, questioning, etc.) are needed. I will never accomplish that goal, or any other important ones, if I donā€™t figure out this ADHD/executive dysfunction thing. I have so many insights, wonderful plans, etc. - But I do not execute themā€¦unless I have strong external accountability and consequences (even then, I may often do enough to excel, or to pass, but just enough, not my full potential)

In the past, I just thought I was lazy, or chalked it up to my life being constantly disrupted (often by my own poor, naive decisions that reflected inexperience and SDAM, etc.). But I think there is more to the storyā€¦and that this thread might lead to something significant.

P.S. Had this weird moment in bed last night, I wasnā€™t even very sleepy, but as I was trying to leave a voice message (eyes closed), I was being ā€œassaultedā€ by rapid proto-imagery, that distracted the hell out of me and made it hard to think and say what I wanted to. If I had to describe it, it was like hundreds of little characters, ideas, and thoughts, being held tight under or behind a black curtain, ready to burst through. Like my subconscious was boiling over and interfering with my conscious thought.

P.S.S I AM making progress in regard to using sensory-thought, weak imagery to remember. Iā€™m building that habit. Processing events, etc. more. Thereā€™s still a lot of grief and shame around SDAM though, still need to keep working on thatā€¦ At least the last couple of days, Iā€™ve noticed that sensory thought is happening automatically at times (e.g. during conversations with friends). I think that ā€œlibrary constructionā€ via the ABC game is helping. This is newā€¦this is Sprout. A new ability. Itā€™s small, itā€™s young, but itā€™s new and itā€™s powerful. I just need to keep that in mind.



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